Over a year ago and still evident.

april 29, 2008



let me be the one to-address what I know I am not alone in believing.


Do know,
this is about no one person in particular,
but rather,
a trend I see manifesting,
and I would certainly rather it not.


This is not about one man, or men. This is not about one woman, or women. I value the differences between women and men. I understand the compulsions, the whims, the essence of the division that gives both sexes their identities.


I also acknowledge that there is no certain type of man, no certain type of women, we are complex creatures, and our lives define us, not our gender.


still.



What is it with the resistance to monogamy these days?
and if not monogamy, then at least, connectability?
What is the rush to "get some"?
explain to me, the urge to watch ourselves act out sexploits on videotape,
and the repulsion at the idea of taking a look at something more true about ourselves?

Why see yourself as a body?
You are not flesh,
you are soul.


Sex, I understand sex.
I enjoy sex.



But where is there value in physical sex alone?
this is not to say that there need be a relationship, marriage, or condoned and sanctioned anything to have sex occur.



that, to me, is ridiculous.



but, there should be a commitment no?
and that commitment should be to the honesty and quality of a solitary moment that you share with someone when you entwine your bodies with them.



the physical transaction alone is stale. The freshness of sex, is the awakening to a greater sensation.



sex is a tool by which our minds are able to express things that words cannot.




Sex is pleasurable, but certainly not ignorant.




Ignorance is NOT bliss.




One should not have to turn off their mind to turn on their bodies.
On should not have to defend their emotions to offend their sensibilities.


one should be most mentally heightened when they are having sex.


With this in mind,
it is impossible to have meaningful sex with someone you do not respect.



It is impossible to have meaningful sex with someone you have not learned appropriately.


It is impossible to have meaningful sex with a person whom you can punctuate with a period after the thought of their name.



Sex should never be the closing of something.



It should never be the ceasing of a feeling.



Instead,
sex should be a tool, implicated to explore.



Exploration- that is afterall what sex is .



Sex should , too, be an expression of love.



Not the love outlined in a marriage license,
Not the love society tells us we must go out to dinner and wear titles to achieve.



it is not an expression inside any store shelf card, or boxed chocolate,

Instead,
the expression is a coalescence of self.



The love, comes in the respect for yourself and for the enjoyment of the person you are with.




Sex is a little private room in which you can say anything without the reverberation of your voice.



Sex is the means we are given, to unite in a way that is far beyond the shake of hands or the meeting of lips.



Why would be go about putting our bodies in embraces that limit us instead of liberate us?
I cannot fathom why someone would prefer to attempt to chew one's own mouth than to fill it with reason and questions to which they are seeking answers to.

why travel blind in the night with a flashlight in your pocket?

wake up!
connect with someone.




believe in something.




share a moment,
become someone you have not been before.



Be responsible for your sexual exploration.



say to yourself: I want to be here,
and then go there.

Go there completely, deeply, and with fervor.



achieve a higher plane of understanding.




get tangled in some sheets and climb into a revelation.




When did a physical connection become a transaction between two bodies, and stop being a pleasure of the mind?

Tantra, that is where the thought resides.



our bodies are the manifestations of our minds.



are hands are attatched to our arms because there are no appendages to our souls.




surface happiness is dust, and nothing will grow from it.




dig deeper.



realize the connections of your actions.



become centered in yourself and see the beauty in not what you can contribute to another person in body weight,
but what you can serve with the essence of who you are.



The best sex always has, but is not limited to;

eye contact, and resolution.



honesty, with no expectations.




laughter, even if you hold it in.




connection and vulnerability.




the absence of reason.




the absence of guilt.




adventure and wit.




solace of heart.




inversion, of self and state.




bravery, not brutality.




confidence, in what is being had.




knowing- a greater understanding.






This is not an anti-sex rant. This is a pro- sexual revelation.

Fifty questions away from an answer

1. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are? I think I am somewhere around 126 in dog years- I also find a sort of canine likeness about myself as of late- watching in silence for lengthy periods of time, running in circles just for the whirl of it, and making sharp sounds as notes of glee.

2. Which is worse, failing or never trying? I suppose it depends on what matters you are failing or succeeding in. It is essential that one fails several times to discover their the truest version of their selves. It is however, preferable not to try unnecessary things- that do not appeal to your beliefs- your passions- your art. These things- it is better to not try.

3. If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do? Fear. This is what I refer to as ' The dream VS. The Plan. People often equip themselves with a very intricate plan but omit things from their ACTUAL dreams and goals that they hold most dear. This, I would like to tell the ( and often remind myself) is living half halfheartedly.

4. When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done?
Probably- but I am chatty in a forward thinking manner. I think outloud often, drinking gallons of coffee in the afternoon sun with my best friend.

5. What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world? I would like to not GIVE TO but TEACH people relaxation- this is- I would like to be able to endow people with the personal knowledge of how much simpler it is to LOVE before LIVE, love before work, love before war, love before disagreement, love before disappointment- love before all.

6. If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich?
Painting.

7. Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing? People often think I am "crazy" for how fervently I follow what I believe in as oppose to settle for an alternative. People are frightened by my passion for one of two reasons- of which I cannot clearly decide- because they do not understand where my devotion to something I love comes from, or they envy that sort of passion that they will not let themselves have.

8. If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently? I would spend it similar to this one, but I would start wandering sooner, I would tell all children insistently that they should care less about what other people think of them, and I would spend a lot more time naked and soaking in the sun.

9. To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken? All of it- to some degree.
parts of it entirely and then parts of it minimally-
but I don't always think the source of change effects the outcome of it.

10. Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things? I am concerned with doing right things.

11. You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire. They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend. The criticism is distasteful and unjustified. What do you do? If it were a lunch- I would get up and walk to the table next to ours, sit down, and turn to the people sitting around me laughing and apologize for absent mindedly sitting at the wrong table.again.
Then we would laugh and toast to one another and everyone we are yet to have the pleasure of knowing.

I do not keep company of any kind that are not open minded innately loving individuals. I need to be inspired by the people I live in this world of mine with.

12. If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be? There are two fundamental rules to life- if you follow them completely- you will never have an unsatisfying life: 1) Do nothing that inspires fear. 2) Do all things that inspire love.

13. Would you break the law to save a loved one? I don't believe love is susceptible to laws governed outside of the heart and mind.

14. Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity? I find that these two words sometimes are very hard to distinguish by popular definition alone.


( complete on 09/17/09 )

15. What’s something you know you do differently than most people? I love differently than most people. I do it genuinely with tremendous amounts of balance and forgiveness. I do so instantly- without preconception. My love is always given and seldom taken away. Instead of seldom given and always taken away.

16. How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy? I am a very strange person, and I have a low threshold for glee. Anything from those colored plastic paper clips to sunshine reflecting off of buildings makes me happy.

17. What one thing have you not done that you really want to do? What’s holding you back? ( I almost wrote a lesser truth here. ) I really want to be happy with someone romantically for a long time. I want to make someone happy in a relentless fashion- physically, emotionally, intellectually, spiritually, fundamentally, redundantly- so much fun that we- just burst into fits of laughter and stay in bed and just touch each other until the sun comes up and goes down for an entire day. what's holding me back? Well, the ability to love myself that much firstly.

18. Are you holding onto something you need to let go of? I've been told that's the case more than my fair share recently. But If I felt I were holding onto something I needed to let go of, I would let go of it.

19. If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why? If I were choosing and not selecting from options: Amsterdam. Amsterdam. Amsterdam. I would live in a house boat on the canal and paint all afternoon while my dog chased kids on bikes down the docks.

20. Do you push the elevator button more than once? Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster? I don't push the elevator button at all. I haven't in years- I just wait patiently for someone to push it and think about whether I prefer the feeling of rising or plummeting.

21. Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton? I think that by definition a genius is also a simpleton. Genius is nothing but a word for a focus- simplification & clarity of self- to the level that all things outside of the self are clear in reflection.

22. Why are you, you? It was a cosmic belch.

23. Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend? I really try to be, have I always been- no. But my imperfections are but a reflection of the past and present stages of my self growth.

24. Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you? Getting dumped by a guy who lives a short drive from you. certainly.

25. What are you most grateful for? To say life seems incomplete. Not just energy in molecules but this passion for living. I'm grateful for passionate life.

26. Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones? all of my old ones. I would love to be a creature in the moment. A nomad in the great here and now.

27. Is is possible to know the truth without challenging it first? Yes. In good-love and honesty- one can know the truth without ever understanding that they know it.

28. Has your greatest fear ever come true? Momentarily from time to time.

29. Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset? Does it really matter now? Yes, it is responsible for the person I am to my entirety.

30. What is your happiest childhood memory? What makes it so special? Weekends with my grandparents- Walking on balance beams, eating peanuts, riding a tricycle in the attic reading books that I couldn't understand and climbing around the stones in the cemetery.

31. At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive? Answering this honestly stings a little. Lets just say that I made a list of thirty seven things in my journal and taped them shut so I couldn't read them just because I didn't have it in me to remove the reminder of them entirely.

32. If not now, then when? When all things are in not only agreement but union.

33. If you haven’t achieved it yet, what do you have to lose? Nothing except the wonder if you had tried to achieve it.

34. Have you ever been with someone, said nothing, and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation ever? I recently called that Saturdays. :/

35. Why do religions that support love cause so many wars? religion is a massive cause for simplified individual faith. It's like trying to shove the opinions of eight fingers into one glove.

36. Is it possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil? Yes, just try to REALLY feel it. Everyone knows their own perception of wrong and right that will perfectly suit the changes in their lives to come.

37. If you just won a million dollars, would you quit your job? Probably but only to travel and help people who need my help more.

38. Would you rather have less work to do, or more work you actually enjoy doing? I enjoy all of my work at this point in my life.

39. Do you feel like you’ve lived this day a hundred times before? Not on most days, most days are but infants. But sometimes I live that old man day- and I just sit back and look on with a charming squint on the world, feet crossed at the ankle, running my fingers through my metaphorical beard. haha

40. When was the last time you marched into the dark with only the soft glow of an idea you strongly believed in? I think I'm still in the dark actually, but I don't have a retrospect perspective to tell quite yet.

41. If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today? All of them- we would have a D- Day party and dance until we turned into dust.

42. Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous? I believe that with my will , I could do more in ten years time for the world than I would save in convenience of being beautiful or famous.

43. What is the difference between being alive and truly living? Love.

44. When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards, and just go ahead and do what you know is right? Now.

45. If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake? I am not afraid to make a mistake.

46. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you? Hahahahahahahaa. I don't care if people judge me or if people do not judge me. I care only that I do not care at all regardless of judgment.

47. When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing? I exhaled inbetween "of" and "your".

48. What do you love? Have any of your recent actions openly expressed this love? I love seeing the people around me feel comforted, happy, and aware of my love and appreciation for them. My actions, I've noticed- could use some sharpening.

49. In 5 years from now, will you remember what you did yesterday? What about the day before that? Or the day before that? Yes, because yesterday I spent an entire day with my best friend Alena, Waiting for Godot. The day before that I spent challenging myself to let go of a man that I am absolutely crazy about. The third day ago, I spent crying with only intermission for breathing like a lunatic against the forementioned man.

50. Decisions are being made right now. The question is: Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you? I find that sometimes there is no real divide in what you can choose and what is chosen for you. This is a cooperative world we live in and sometimes your personal decisions are made with another person in mind- and the most you can do about those decisions is to change your inner reaction to their outer consequence.

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Intuitional Inclincations

Insomnia buzzing like a swarm of honeybees,
prolonging- the melodic sweetness of sleep,
we speak dinosaur conversation over meager cups of steeping tea-
hold out bear claws where our little pinkies should be-
extended for the sake of grace or some attractive proximity-
to the ideals of our mother's, cookie bake cryptography.
As we link them with one another, I slip under sheet-
I am gold, I am rose, I am melted Jellybean,
I am summer, I am lover, I am your enrapture in a sea,
I am salt, I am halt, I am-just let live and let be-
And fitted together in the tiniest fragment of bone,
I was Huxley, I was Camus, but now I am just home.
And if it be for a moment, just one fleeting minute alone,
I would savor it no less-

fingertips smelling of tangerine peel,
it would be gone,
it would be gone,

But I would still know it had been real.

I forget to tell you that

that I love you!
I was just thinking that very thing.
My poor friends and family, extended friends and art lovers alike- have been either missing me or holding on for dear life in the crazy hectic adventure that has been my recent activity.

With just getting back from DC, and several trips planned in the near future- I sometimes get so busy that I forget- even when I see you or talk to you- or drop a little hello by your myspace page- to tell you how magnificent you are.

I forget to tell you, that as much as I perplex you, you inspire me to.
I forget to tell you, that as much as you value my characteristically disrythmic dancing- I dance because you make me happy.Sometimes, I ourightly twitch an eye in glee.
I forget to tell you- that you are equally innately talented as I could ever aspire to become.
I forget to remind you that sometimes I think about how grand life is and I boil it all down to moments like when I met you, and you met me... And how we are all just tiny fucking specks-

But being a speck with you gives us shared purpose, life, and a moment in all of the greater span of time and existence.

I forget to tell you, that I like being a speck. And I like being an apple-

And I like that we weren't always good, but I am glad that we were close when we fell from that tree.


And I forget to tell you-

but then I remember.




-Amanda Elaine

A Year Ago Today

I wrote this. (06/08/08)
It's about death- as a transitory phrase, rather than a definitive statement.







"And I say, partridge to the pear tree-

Let your fight out against me,

Let's be inconsistent,

And let's do, struggle,

Die in flight, inside my chest.

Stay there, suspended in the space behind my ribs,

for I fear the moment that I cannot have you,

Even symbiotically.

(This is to say,the memory of you lives on inside of me.)


And hollow.

That is how I am embodied by you.

The sensation of floating in eppervescent nothingness,
And I am dizzy in some fantastic way

Center to the orbit of some magnificent thing;

Light,

And night,

And motor engines restrained underneath the caps of a thousand jet planes.

Roaring, a great symphony of escape,

Sounding like the snoring of your sleeping,

Sounding like the pillowcase crushing like little starched clouds beneath the weight of my lead head.

Sounding like the break of a wave into packed sand beneath my feet,

The sea of dreams- oh how bewitching- it's ebony and navy undulations.


And here,

I sink, and I- myself- am forgotten.

I- ourselves- get linked in the outreaching of our swimming fingers,

But perchance a dream, is my great awakening.




You are the sensation before rain,

The hot smell of vapors dancing with the moisture off the concrete.

You are the feeling of being sixteen,

Of being new and frightened by the world,

But brave, braced, and unfathomably apt to love.

You are waxy lined notebook paper,

Folded pocket creases,

And lines I will read a million more times before the day I exist no more.



What is death, anyhow,

I say with a smile, unfitting of my understanding,

or misunderstanding of the befallen ears which speak a different dialect than I.

What is death?, I say out loud now,

With a smirk, a laugh,

A translation lost in the static of my generation.

A wild reflection crept behind the surface of my eye-


What is death, darling-

But the turning of a page?


And in due time,

It will be turned.

I fear not what lay beyond it,

For I know it is you.

I fear not what I will learn in the absence of my acquired knowing,

Because, at peace, we will be.


Tired wings and acoustic melodies,

Strung up on some distant favor,

Dangling by and by,

Drunk on the lucidity of our childhood prayers.

Images and their meanings

In Sickness and In Wealth
Ben Stood staring into the mirror hanging from his closet door.
This was just another day Ben would push together his double life into the skins of a single man,
Just another day spent tightening up the seams, perhaps not so different from the last.
He slipped into his attitude like a coma, and slid on a white linen shirt from his closet that he couldn't remember buying.
He strapped on his black leather wrist watch, and stared, tired, at the pile of books he would never read past the prologue.
He needed refuge, safety, embrace, and feeling, but unknowing the outcome of those risks, he settled instead on coffee.
Ben stood in the doorway, ready to leave, and looked at his wife Susan like it was for the first, or perhaps last time, and like yesterday, he could not decide.
Again, Ben tried to love his wife, and when he couldn't,
He closed the door.









1 The Lovers
We coveted our consistency and found toxicity in any and all that could harm it.
We stopped growing.
We were paranoid of the free spirited. We were suspicious of the creative.
We stopped seeing.
We abided by our inner-office regulations and weekly television programming.
We stopped searching.
We were empowered by our social connectability and felt all but invincible in areas of strong cellular telephone reception.
Collectively we had made somewhat a religion of our habits.
We were united by our incapability to feel with our hearts.
We disconnected with traditions, values, and conversations-
We stopped kissing with our hands.
We were short sighted by our individual views on life.
And then at once,
You were no longer my lover, but my backup drive-
Storage for the pieces of the history of us,
Files and feelings that had no place in-between penchants and productivity reports.

Let us make room for a reconnection to the love close to us. Stand –in, get out of the Stand-by.






2 Paulina Reverence
Paulina Reverence was an admirable woman,
but then she got knocked up by Uncle Sam.
Paulina was an adventurer,
but then she got locked up by Big Brother and the C.I.Am.
Paulina was an athlete, a hurdler extraordinaire-
Cocked up, jumping constitutional lines both here and there.
But then she galloped through freedom too excitedly,
Drew attention from the eyes of the Normalcy Supremacy-
They locked her in suburbia and buried her in tax-
Now she is a Patriot- if anyone asks.









3 Girls are full of hot air.
I have no valid feelings, I’m just cute.
I will bake you cookies if you tell me who to be.
Baby, I understand that you cheat, I’m not displeased.
I know you’ve got gelatin in place of your knees.
I know you store jealousy where your morals should be,
I know you’re real tired from that big corporate retreat-
And don’t worry about my birthday, I’ll have another next year,
I will stay twenty five so I’m still half your age-
Don’t concern yourself with it, love-
How was YOUR day?
It’s fine that you stay– but if you’ve got better to do,
When you go, Let me lay on your floor- so you don’t dirty your shoes.





4 Wheels and Watts
“ It is therefore quite common to find Nirvana described as a trance condition in which all sense of the separate forms and objects of the universe has vanished, to be replaced by a state of “infinite consciousness” into which the individual becomes absorbed even though his physical body may continue to live on. If he ever returns out of this trance condition it remains always in the back of his mind; the things around him seen like the insubstantial shadows of a dream, for:
Life, like a dome of many-colored glass, stains the white radiance of eternity until death tramples it to fragments…”-Alan Watts






Reflection Internal
No where in the world will I find what you see in me.